I like how when Christians are giving you their testimony, they try to paint a picture of themselves “pre-Jesus” as if they were like the worst person ever.
They’ll say things like “Before I met the Lord, I was a dirty, filthy, wretched sinner. Seriously. I had sex with everything that moved. I tried every drug there was. You name it. I’ve done it. I once murdered a guy. You know Johnny Cash’s song, Folsom Prison Blues where he said he once shot a man in Reno just to watch him die? I wrote that song. It was autobiographical. It was about me. I was the one who provided the Bush administration with faulty intelligence that Saddam Hussein had weapons of mass destruction that led to the invasion of Iraq. Curveball? That was me. I created ISIS. You know how everyone always blames Yoko Ono for breaking up the Beatles? Nope. Not Yoko. It was me. I broke up the Beatles. All 16 Republican Presidential candidates that are now running for the highest office in the land came to me the night before they announced their Presidential bid and asked me if they should run. I told every single last one of them that they totally should. I framed Roger Rabbit. The person who wrote Rebecca Black’s song, Friday was none other than me. I’m the reason every time you hear it, you can’t get it out of your head. When you were a kid, I rounded up all your classmates and paid them each a crisp, five dollar bill if they picked you last in gym. When your mother found out she was pregnant, your parents took a parenting class (taught by me) and I told your father in no uncertain terms that it would be a good idea to never tell you he loved you. I’m the reason you cry yourself to sleep at night. Every day when you go to work, I sneak into your house, hide the remote, and steal one of your socks.”
Here’s a fun idea: copy and paste this into a Word document, print it out, take it to your local Catholic church, go inside the confessional, tell the priest “Bless me, father, for I have sinned,” and rattle off everything you have just read verbatim, and see how far you can get before the priest tells you to get the fuck out, never come back, and if he ever sees your face on church property again, he’s calling the cops.
Jon D. Webster is the author of Nothing Sacred: An Atheist Quote-A-Day Calendar, Blasphemy: Atheist Quotes and Essays By An Apostate, Unreal News: A Collection of Satire, and 10 Decisions I Could Have Made Better Than God: And Other Audacious Atheist Articles.