Professional “psychics” like Sylvia Browne like to make predictions about the new year. You can read Browne’s 2012 failures here. These predictions are generally absurd, self-deluded flights of fancy that almost always fail. Regular people engage in the same exercise, though, and call them “new year’s resolutions” It’s a proud American tradition, like not knowing what a passing lane is, or innovating new ways to kill people from 10,000 miles away. So here are mine.
I had 10, but number 10 was “make shorter lists of things, your lists are out of fucking control,” so here we are.
8. Tolerate less jiggery-pokery, more regular pokery. There’s been altogether too much chicanery and even skulduggery in 2012.
7. Spearhead more initiatives. That’ll really spruce up the ol’ CV.
6. Take down the Kwanzaa decorations before St. Patrick’s Day. Let’s face it, having your Kwanzaa kinara up in February is just embarrassing.
5. Renew patriarchy membership. This year they give you a free fruit-of-the-month club gift with renewal. We all enjoy keeping women in their place, but man, those Royal Riviera pears are freakin’ amazing.
4. Pursue new experiences. For example, I will invite a snarky Youtube atheist to the blog network because having something blow up in my face would be a new experience for me.
3. Speak at more conferences. I will give the very finest talks that google’s “I’m feeling lucky” button can produce, as is the custom at skeptic conferences.
2. Convert Skeptic Ink to the metric system. From now on, the resolution shall be set in dots per centimeter instead of dots per inch; traffic volume shall be reported in kiloreddits and megareddits.
1. Up the iconoclastic ante: Defect from Skeptic Ink, claim it has turned corrupt, drunk on its own sense of power, and that it menaces the atheosphere like PZ Myers at a gelato stand; Form new “movement” dedicated to opposing it, begin drinking in newer, even more rebellious sense of power. For good measure, also make parody twitter account “Skeptic Stink” or something clever like that. That’ll show ‘em.
So that’s what y’all have to look forward to in the distant future, the far off year of 2013. Happy new year’s everyone.